The Run

Holy shit.

I went for my first run in five months due to injuries on both of my feet.

It was awful. Painful. My butt jiggled in a way I wasn't quite prepared for....oh yeah. That happened. It was weird, but I got over it.

But what I actually hated: going from 12 miles a night to 1.5 miles, lungs burning; hips, legs and ankles awkward and wobbly.

So I guess this is square one again. It's kind of appropriate though, isn't it? Finally get through all the ridiculous nonsense that is the educational system and change my major again and now I'm moving and starting from square one.

Well, I suppose you have to back track sometimes.

Life is a marathon.

And I refuse to buy new pants. Seriously? $50 for a pair of jeans? Pshaw, come off it.

Things...

Things That Seriously Bother Me:

   1. Jewelry commercials. You are gross and sappy and superficial and gaudy and ultimately disappointing because most of the jewelry you peddle isn't that pretty. Even your rhymes are lame. Every kiss begins with Kay? No, every kiss begins with some dude doing something so stupid that the lady can't help but laugh her ass off. And half of the time there's maybe booze involved....but that's not my point! Are you trying to tell me that a guy has to buy me some ridiculous diamond ring (which I don't even like) to show me that he loves me? You do nothing but perpetuate the idea that you have to buy women things. And you perpetuate the idea that men should buy expensive things for women, like they should expect that. I hate you. You are full of lies and subliminal messages, ruining all the of the good guys that could be out there, who are happy with hanging out and drinking beer. Then you go and put some big idea in their head that they have to go out and buy expensive things for the woman in their life that will make them happy for a day, when he could be finding out something meaningful about that woman, that will make her happy for a lifetime. AND you shoot the idea in the woman's head that she needs these things, needs her man to buy her these things, to make her happy. Well, screw you. I want a guy that will accept that sometimes I drink beer for dinner and listen to Zeppelin playlists on autoplay and wear sweatpants all day. Not buy me an ugly ring. Why? Why would you ruin this for me, and even other men in the world who want to have man friends and man caves? Not men-who-turned-into-women friends and caves with feelings. And no, this is not some rant because I somewhere, deep down inside, want some expensive jewelry. No, I legitimately don't like these commercials and this is legitimately why. And probably why I have an aversion to jewelry stores themselves.

    2. Weddings. Fuck you, I'm eloping.

Things That I Like To Do:

    1. Drink on a Monday. OKAY?! I LIKE TO DRINK ON WEEKDAYS!! Sometimes I can't wait until the weekend. Because sometimes, there are still two beers left in the fridge or the last fourth of a bottle of champagne and I mean, come on...you can't let the last fourth of a bottle hang around until the weekend.

    2. Um....take a shot for every homework assignment I've finished. Anyone want to be my study buddy? Let's just move on, shall we?

    3. Meerkat onesie. Paint my toenails. Drink coffee. Dinosaur onesie. I might be finishing a bottle of booze right now...what? No. What? Next number!

Things That Should Go On Pizza:

     1. Oregano. Yes. In marinara sauce.

     2. Mozarella and Monterey Jack cheeses. Maybe Parmesan. But yes, mozo and monterey. Please.

     3. Olives. Green peppers. Peperoncinis. Red onions. Bacon. Tomatoes.

Um, yeah. Things.

I'd like some more pizza, please.

Shit To Get Creative With! Part I

As an art student, I like to make things.

I also tend to be incredibly clumsy and destructive, but I like to create things, none the less.

So, when I get bored, I like to surf the intertubes for things to make....and as the annoying Christmas season rolls in, I tend to get my craft on....I like excuses to make things and give them to people.

Let's get crafty, shall we?!

         1. Since it's now December, and I like to drink too much (but only on the weekends, otherwise 
              my body would explode), I'd like to make this: 

http://www.instructables.com/id/beer-advent-calendar/

It's true...I won't make it to celebrate the advent...it's mostly just an excuse to drink more.

Don't judge me. I'm only human!

          2. My life would cease to make sense without cooking. We'll start with my favorite: cookies. 

              Sadly, I will not be able to eat entire batches because I have significantly cut sugar down in my 

              diet. But I'm going to make them anyway. Cookies are also my gift to everyone during the 

             Christmas season. Marathon cookie making week, package 'em up and send 'em out!

http://eatcakefordinner.blogspot.com/2011/11/no-roll-soft-sugar-cookies-with-eggnog.html

                    Eggnog cookies. Yep. I like cookies, I like eggnog, and I like the idea of the two...coming together as one....what? Conan the Barbarian? Where did you come from?

             

             3. I like healthy things, but some of the healthy things I ingest cost me half my paycheck, so...I 

                 start to make them instead. This is called Kombucha, or "mushroom tea". It's an old recipe 

                 for fermented tea using healthy bacteria that help clean out your body. Probiotics, enzymes,    

                 and tangy, sweet, fizzy goodness. Call me weird, but I like it, and it makes me feel really  

                 good. They've done studies that show it blocks the reproduction of cancer cells. So take that. 

                 It's also really damn expensive. So I'm making my own.

http://www.foodrenegade.com/how-to-grow-a-kombucha-scoby/

             

            4. Any excuse to make beer is a good excuse. My dad ordered a beer-making kit yesterday. Let 

                the holiday brewing begin. Who wants fresh beer?!

http://www.etsy.com/listing/97673797/1-gallon-beer-brewing-kit-homebrew?ref=sr_gallery_22&ga_search_query=beer+kit&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_ship_to=US&ga_search_type=supplies

                      Fun fact of the day: did you know that they put trace amounts of formaldehyde in canned 

                      and bottled beers to preserve them for longer? Don't have to worry about being preserved after you're dead!

Gross.

          5. OH MY GOD, HUGS! What?? YES! I love this idea--sending hugs to those far away! I love 

              hugs, and I love sending love. What could be better??

http://www.supermommoments.com/2012/08/send-hug/

              Honestly, this is so sweet and I would love to do this. It's Flat Stanley, hug-style!

Creative giving is probably the best thing about my life. This is only part one. Get your ready-pants on for part two, and possibly three. It's a saga. Like Lord of the Rings, but cute and ridiculous and begins and ends with me sitting in my pajamas on a barstool in my kitchen.

So not like Lord of the Rings at all.

But I might watch it while I'm creatively adventuring.

Yep. My life. Pretty awesome.

The Awkward Bar Talk

There are things in my life that happen, and I have no idea why or how they happen. I'm just sitting there, drinkin' my drank, and all of a sudden, RANDOM SHIT!!!

What? Why? Where did that come from?

I just wanted to drink my gin and be a stupid drunk fuck, posting random things on Facebook, do some ridiculous karaoke and end up with a hangover the next morning having awkward moments with myself as I remember the really dumb things I said...

1. So I'm down at the local bar, right? Hangin' out with some friends, sipping my gin from a tiny pink straw. We're not talking, but it's just a lull in conversation. All of a sudden, some skinny dude that was standing at the bar comes over and says, "Can I sit here?" He points to the empty chairs on my right. Ugh, okay, so he'll talk to me for about five to ten minutes, then move on, like they usually do. Oh no. Not this guy.

          Him: Can I sit here?
          Me: Uhhhh, yeah, sure, it's a free country.
          Him: Hi, I'm (blah blah blah, some random dude. Insert typical drunk guy name here).
          Me: *fuck* Nice to meet you, I'm Jessica. *he shakes my hand for just a little too long*
          Him: So this is my first time here.
          Me: Haha, wow, I'm sorry. *despite my sick and twisted love for my dinky, lame town,        
          I do understand that it's kind of lame and dinky, so most people don't appreciate it as much as I
          do* *I sip my gin*
          Him: Haha, oh, it's okay. I'm here with my friend who lives in town. I'm from up north.
          Me: Oh, that's cool. Welcome!
          Him: Oh, haha, no I'm from here....I used to live just outside of town. So, are you from around  
          here?
          Me: (this is where things start to get funky...I think, 'then why did you say it's you're first time
          here?') Oh, okay, yeah, I know where you're talking about. And yeah, I'm just visiting though.
          (What??)
          Him: So, what do you do?
          Me: *holds up glass* I drink. A lot.
          Him: Haha, yeah? That's all you do?
          Me: Yup. Straight up drinking. Every day. (Okay, not true, but he doesn't need to know that.)
          Him: You know what the remedy is for that, right? *pauses with awkward smile for effect*
         (What? Who said I needed a fucking remedy? Where did you come from? Who asked you?)
          Me: *eyebrow raise* Oh yeah? Drink more?
          Him: Hahaha, no, usually the remedy is to cut back a little bit...
          Me: Nope. Pretty sure it's to continue drinking more. I do this professionally. *starts to feel like a
          jerk* But seriously, I'm an art student.
          Him: Oh, really? That's cool! Me too...except I'm the computy (yes, he actually used that word)
          kind of artist. *types on table for effect. Seems very pleased with himself.* What medium do you
          use?
          Me: Hahahaha! I have no fuckin' idea. All of them. I figured I'd get some general fine arts in and
          then decide where to go from there.
          Him: *silence* *smiles awkwardly*
          Me: *shifts in chair* So, what do you do? *drinks more. Brain knows it's going to be a long
          ride*
          Him: Well, let me show you my card! *pulls out wallet, from which he pulls a business card for
          holistic healing*
          Me: *DRINKS MORE*
At this point, he begins to talk about how he's a graphic artist for this raw, vegan holistic healing company that he launched a month ago, and he starts explaining that it all started when he met his GIRLFRIEND (WHAT?! STOP AWKWARDLY FLIRTING WITH ME!), and she was dying of a nasty bowel disease (at this point, I figure she's dead), but they started eating raw food and she healed within three weeks (so she's not dead? Did she break up with you when she realized she was going to live and could find someone less awkward?), and so he dropped out of college and launched this business. There were more words in there and lots of arm and hand motions and he pulled out his phone to show me pictures of raw food and gave explanations on whole food diets and Crohn's disease...none of which I needed explained to me, but I just kept on sippin' my drank, hoping he might quiet down and get bored and leave. Granted, I respect the guy for starting his own business and I actually do think holistic healing is pretty cool, but geeze. This is a bar, I am drinking with my friends, and you're killin' my buzz, kid. Then, his weird-smelling friend comes over....
          Friend: Hi, I'm (Er, forgot guy's name. Who cares? Not me.)
          Me: Hi.
          Friend: So what do you do?
          Me: (This? Again? Fuck.) I'm an art student.
          Friend: Oh cool! What kind of medium?
          Me: No idea. *decides to make some shit up* Photography, watercolor and ceramics.
          Friend: Oh man, ceramics is sooo coool. It's all earthy and you can create and form and
          manipulate! It's like, humanity!
          Me: *you smell sooooo fuckin' weird, dude* Hahahahahaha, yeah....it's like humanity! Ceramics
          and beer. Just like humanity!
          Friend: Uhhhh, yeah....I guess I can see where you're going with that.
This is quickly becoming the most awkward, weird conversation I've ever been in, and my drink is almost gone and I'm still not drunk enough to deal with this. I text my friend who's sitting on the other side of the table with her boyfriend to save me, and I contemplate texting a guy friend, any guy friend, to come in and pretend to be my boyfriend for twenty minutes to get this kid to leave....then he gets up to go pee. His friend leaves for somewhere else.
         My friend: Crap, I'm sorry, I didn't know what to say!
         Her BF: How's your new boyfriend? Are you in love? This guy is freakin' me out. He shook
         my hand and held it for just a little too long.
         Me: What the fuck is with this guy?
When he comes back, my friend convinces him that he can't sit at our table unless he has a drink. He begins to protest, and she stands her ground. He leaves for the bar.
         Her: Yes, I'm a genius! I got him to leave! But if he comes back with a drink....he's just sad.
         Me: Fuck. I really hope that doesn't happen.
         Her BF: You wanna switch seats? You'll be between me and her and he can't get to you.
Genius. We switch. She asks about how weird he is....then he comes back, drink in hand, finds a way around her BF, and sits next to me again.
         Him: I'm sorry, I was being flirted with by a gay guy! Happens to me all the time!
The fact that this kid looks like a toothpick with a cheezeball stuck on top and long, delicate arms and hands doesn't have anything to do with that....
         Me: *do not make snide remark, do not make snide remark, do not make snide remark*  
         Hahahahahahaha!
         My friend: Hey, Jess, I thought you said your boyfriend was coming. Where is he at? He must be
         working late.
         Me: *genius! pure genius!* Psshh, yeah, probably. I dunno, he hasn't texted me yet. He must be
        busy.
        Him: Well, I have to go. It's been nice talking to you!
He gets up to find his friend. As they leave, he sets his cup on the bar in our line of sight.
        My friend: What the fff--he was drinking water! He went and got a cup of water and said it was a
       drink so that he could sit here!! Geeze! That guy was weird. I'm a genius, though! I never thought
       he'd leave!

Most. Awkward. Conversation. Ever.

And thus continues another round of random shit that happens to me. Especially random creepers. ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I don't know how to explain it. I do my best to combat it. I never go to the bar or parties without friends. I stick by them constantly.

But they still find me.

What the fuck?

Mind Explosions

I'm awake. I'm awake, I'm awake, I'm awake.

And I should be sleeping. Of course. I know this. I have class in the morning. But my brain keeps going. This could be because of the coffee that I drank at 8pm, or the fact that I've been watching documentaries all day, and my brain just keeps rolling.

From how beer saved the world to four college kids going to Europe to discover Christianity within themselves and how others view god and faith, my brain has not stopped downloading information. I love documentaries with an alarming amount of passion (obviously, because I have been watching them on Netflix since about 2 this afternoon and it's almost midnight). But why do I love them so much?

They inspire me to go and do and be. Be human. Discover life.

If I'm gonna be completely honest, what I really want right now is a turkey sandwich on whole-grain with mustard and mayonnaise and lettuce and tomato and sprouts. It just sounds good. But I had granola, and I have no money to go buy these ingredients, so the sandwich won't happen for awhile.

So instead, what I'm gonna do is ponder things. I ponder faith a lot. Probably multiple times per day. For anyone who knows me, they know that I'm pretty well adjusted as a person and I'm pretty set within my own faith.

But I wonder about it anyway, and sometimes I wander somewhere and get lost, away from it. Well, I'm glad to say that I have slowly been coming back into it, and I have so many more things to add to it. I feel like, when it comes to faith, you sometimes need to become lost, either within it or outside of it, because it is then that you have so many different experiences in life and within yourself. You find yourself asking more and more questions, seeking answers, and when you return to it, it's like returning home from a trip to another country, or even another state or city. Your mind has expanded and you understand the world a little better, so in turn, you understand yourself a little more. You want to share pictures and stories with your friends and family, share the culture with them. Only, with faith, you share your experiences with yourself. You place your understandings into empty places where they connect to one thing, which connects to another and so on. Your mind becomes more grounded, your heart and spirit more peaceful.

When I first moved to Washington, I had a faith epiphany. A re-birth of self. It was incredible, and I don't want to say that it happened within a moment, but there was a moment that I realized it was happening, and where. It didn't happen in a church, it didn't happen with any family members or any sort of religious guidance. It happened outside. In the rain. Amongst the trees, the ferns, the nasty slugs of the rainforest that is the Pacific Northwest. By myself. I was on a trail at a park, being a hippie artist chick, taking pictures of the moss on a tree branch, and there it was. There was God, life, souls, myself, reality, peace, truth. Faith. There I was. My soul. God. Nature. My soul, God, and Nature. All as one. I knew who I was. I knew that I was walking the right path. I was not perfect, nor would I ever be. I would be constantly changing, I would make so many mistakes that I would sometimes want to slap myself in the face. But I knew life would go on, that I would accept these, forgive myself, know that I had made them, take those to heart, and know that I was still a true and beautiful person. Not on the outside--again, anyone who knows me knows that I tend to not care much about outward appearances--but my humanity, my soul.

Faith is about discovery, and I think many people completely overlook this massively important part about it. It's not just about searching for God in religion, it's about discovering life, because God is life and nature, and life and nature is God. Experiencing all of the people, culture, places, talents, natural beauties that God has placed upon this Earth, discovering what it means to our souls, our minds, and loving every single thing for what it is and knowing in your heart that you are meant to live this path even if you're scared, that's faith. Without discovery, I believe that we truly miss out on the whole of God.

I recently became lost in myself, and therefore became lost in my own faith. I have come back with full force, with a stronger heart, understanding more about life that I can now bring into my faith (whoa, no joke I think I had a dream about writing this post...I have those too, since I was a kid...weird prophetic dreams and feeling the energies of something besides myself within a room, which is freaky, but we can talk about that one later). I have come back as a better person. I'd like to credit this to one question a friend asked me months ago, slightly intoxicated, smoking a cigar.

"What do you think is the meaning of life?"

That's all it took. I didn't know how to answer. I knew it had to be in here somewhere...I just didn't know where. Then I realized...where had my faith itself gone? I didn't even notice that I had wandered away from it. I also realized that I had been worried about how other people would see me and my faith.

Well, maybe I needed to work my way back to it. Since then, I've been letting myself wander back into it. I don't work well with immediate, club-myself-on-the-head, dive-right-in-and-get-to-it faith. Sure, that works for me in a lot of other things, but not faith. I have to poke around quite a bit first. So I've been poking, and my poking had been turning into prodding, and my prodding has turned into throwing the cookbook aside, turning up the music and dancing on the table while mixing the dough.

So here I am, mixing the dough again. Still pondering the meaning of life, or my life, as it were, because I truly believe we all have different meanings, but being one with myself and my faith again. And not worrying about how other people will see it. Other people will see what they want, and interpret how they will, no matter how plain and straightforward you try to make it. Some will take you at face value, and many, many others won't. But truly? You know. And God knows. As long as you are a true, genuine, caring person who accepts imperfections and faults, you are following the right path that God has set you upon. And to me, that is what matters.

I Like To Procrastinate

I honestly don't know that I'm going to finish my film class. I haven't even started it. Because I like to procrastinate, and I can't seem to wrap my brain around anything right now. Besides drinking this beer.

So, things that I like to do to procrastinate. Especially for school. Because I hate school, and have fooled everyone else into believing that I think it's great.

1. Drink beer.
2. Comment on things on the intertubes.
3. Drink gin.
4. Go buy more beer.
5.  Roll around on the floor.
6. Make cookies.
7. Eat cookies.
8. Get shitfaced playing Wii.
9. Work.
10. Drink more beer.

Yep. Things. That I do.

Yep.

Things That Are Dumb

I'm at school. I pulled an all-nighter last night. I haven't slept innnn.....24 hours? I dunno.

19 credits. That's five classes. Who decided that would be a good idea? Oh...right. Me.

Shit on stick. Luckily, my classes are still cool....even if I fail them. But I am fucking sassy and super stressed because I haven't slept yet. Holy bbaaalllsssssssssss deep in class work. Tits.

And, luckily, it is Pumpkin Spice Latte season. Oh, you bet I splurged and got one today. I did an entire week's worth of school work last night and this morning. Then I worked out. I call that badass.

Still.

Tits.

So here's a list of things are dumb:

1. Bumper stickers. Get a real fuckin' hobby, you dick.
2. Fast food. It's not even food. It doesn't decompose. I'm scared of it. I need an adult.
3. Flying. Fuck flying. Something always goes wrong, or the plane's fucking late, or your flight gets cancelled as you're sitting on the tarmac or they won't reimburse your ticket even though it was their fucking fault you're late for your brother's wedding or they want to send you through some super creeper thing that scans your body and can tell what you had for lunch yesterday. No. Thank you. Fucking....flying.
4. Gas prices. We all know. I don't even have to explain.
5. Fake boobs. Just....gross. And we can all tell they are fake. You run...and they don't jiggle. Not natural. You have problems. Ew.
6. Men. I love you all to death, really, I do because generally speaking, you're so level-headed...but seriously. Just stop where you are, reverse that thought process of trying to ask me out or get in my pants, and let's just hang out like normal friends and drink beer and play video games. 
7. Periods. Hate you.
8. The cost of buying a dog. I think a dog would be very good for my overall general mental and physical health and well-being, but geeze.
9. Usher's recent music. I am bored, Usher. Very bored.
10. My ankles. They are swelling and my feet are swelling and cramping and causing some serious delays in running. Hate you. You're dumb.
11. The speed limit in this country.
12. Seattle drivers.

Alright, I gotta go to class. Things are dumb, and so are people.

And I need a Wii. Someone buy me a Wii. Please?

I love you....

A Public Service Announcement

Things that I actually hate, but will tell people I like because they've already made it and I don't want them to feel bad: Steak, any creamy salad ranging from pea to potato, and pork chops.

Things that I will love you forever for: Smoked ribs, bacon, Chia Kombucha and bounties of coconut everything.

Reasons why I am not a serious vegetarian anymore: Smoked ribs and bacon infused vodka.

That is all. Now go away. I'm being a hippie.

Things I Have Learned Within The Past Year

I learn things daily. It's important to learn and observe. Life is crazy. So here's a list of things I've learned in the past year.

1. Photographers are pompous assholes. Even the student photographers. Assholes.
2. People are always full of shit.
3. Weed is the great equalizer.
4. You can only live on your own time. You shouldn't expect to live on anyone else's.
5. I really, truly don't like school. I hate it. I'm only going to get my degree in professional bullshitting....errr...artistry.
6. Television is full of crap and the internet is full of even more crap. Including this blog.
7. Guys will very quickly become clingy, especially if he's younger than you. Don't walk away from the friends who just lets things happen, lets you make mistakes, and even makes them with you, because they understand that life happens, that you need to live your own, and they will be there with open arms to forgive your mistakes and adventure with you again. Don't let men be clingy; conversely, don't be clingy yourself.
8. BE WEIRD, because weird is different, creative, interesting, curious, and we all know that deep down, we are weird as weird can be, and we would all be a lot happier if we just let it go. I know I am. I'm finally able to be as freaky as I want....and damn, it feels good to be me. Anyone who tries to take that from me is gonna get my Kitchen Aid mixer thrown at their head.
9. People are dumb. Just....accept this fact, okay? People. Are. Dumb. And there is no way to change this.
10. Spaghetti Westerns. Enough said.
11. When you belong to a place, and a place belongs to you, you know. You feel it down to your toes, into your core, on your every nerve. I imagine it's what being in love feels like. It's part of your very being. That's how I feel when I come back home. Such a short time until I move back....but it feels so long to go....
12. You're gonna piss people the fuck off. Deal with it. Too bad if they don't like it. You can only please so many, and today, they weren't on the fucking list.
13. I might know what my meaning in life is. But I might not.
14. When the apocalypse comes or the human race destroys itself or whatever the fuck happens, I won't be one damn bit surprised with how it started, because....read number 9.

I'm crazy, lazy, and always on the go. So much shit goes through my head in any given day that I have to write down my work tasks on my wrist so I don't forget to do them all over the course of my shift.

You know what's gonna survive the end of the world? Ramen Noodles.

You can't even properly digest that shit.

Seriously.

Now go and watch this.

Congratulations! I've just wasted an hour and a half of your life and filled your brain with complete rubbish, obscurity and cursing, except for Neil Peart being able to play the Drum Solo of Life....that's real.

Weird Shit I Do In The Car

I'm really weird. Like, really, really weird.

If you couldn't already tell by this blog.

Anyway, I do weird things in the car. I get a lot of my pent up crazy energy out when I'm driving. It's just fact of life.

1. Sometimes....I have conversations with myself. Usually this happens about 3:30am, when I'm hitting Seattle and I've had the last of my coffee around Ellensburg. I mostly start talking so that I can keep myself awake, but I'm not gonna lie, my self-conversations can get super philosophical, and they tend to help me figure things out that are going on in my own life.
2. Sometimes I just feel like screaming and being really loud. I'm pretty sure that I scare everyone else that's driving around me, because not only am I screaming and growling, I'm usually shaking the steering wheel or banging my hands on it...so it maybe looks like there should be someone else in the car that I'm fighting with....but there's not.....
3. I have road rage, so I call everyone a bitch. People who are tailing me? "Yeah? What the fuck do you think YOU'RE doing, bitch? Where are you gonna go? There is nowhere else to go, assface! You are in a residential zone! I'M going ten over and that's STILL not fast enough for you? Eat my turbo-powered shit!" And then I zoom up the street really fast and really do leave them in the dust, and then they all slow down, drivin' all granny status with their tail between their legs. Either that or I go the exact speed limit, no more and no less. That makes them even more pissed off than if I decided to go slower. "TAKE THAT, BITCH!"
4. Car dancing. I do it. It's very animated. There are some butt jiggles, some finger pointing, some jumping up and down, maybe some Jack Black-esque finger wiggles when there's a guitar solo. Yeah. That happens.
5. I make up songs about going up and down hills. I did this today, actually. I was driving down this long, winding, hilly road behind this guy who had been doing five under when I got behind him. And I really tried to not tail him because that shit's irritating. But seriously? So I'm driving, driving, driving, and I start singing about this guy in front of me. "Ohhh whyyy are you so sloooowwwballlssss? Sloowwww, slowww, sooo slooowww oldballssss! I doonn'tt want to goooo into second geaaarrrr just to get up this hilllll!" And it went on like that for the next ten minutes. I never said all my songs were good. I just said I made them up while I was in the car.
6. I dunno how much this one counts as a weird thing to do in the car, but for some reason, I see at least two gingerkids per day while I am driving. And I usually announce it with, "Fuckin gingerkids!"
7. When I drive by hot guys working outside, I tell them they're hot and that I would do them.
8. The car is the only place where I cry, and cry in peace.
9. I talk to the car. "Yeah, yeaaahhhh woo, get around that corner! Vroom!" "C'mon, let's get up this hill, bitch! Kazam, use that turbo! RAAAWWWRRRR!" "Fuck you guys, we're goin' fuckin' 80 on this stretch of highway! Fuck the POLICE!" "You so perrrtttyyyy. I ruv roo, car." ...I don't think I need to say anything else.
10. I smile like a kid in a candy store when I hear the turbo spool up and kick in. Ear to ear. Oh yeah. Orgasm for my brainsticles.

I do weird things everyday. This is hardly the extent of how weird I actually am.

Be weird. Be happy.

More Random Shit That Happens To Me

1. Buys a blueberry protein smoothie of deliciousness, drinks half, leaves other half in the car for a half hour, comes back and has magically created yogurt. Great success?
2. While walking across the parking lot from staples to my car, some random old dude yells from his car, "It's about time for some shorts, huh?" Well, yes, old man, it is hot and I only own pants, but that was the most random thing ever. Trying to strike up a conversation from your car with some girl who's walking across the parking lot? I know men are completely awkward, but even the old ones never grow out of it.
3. I go to clean out my hair brush and I find blonde hairs in the bristles. Either someone's using my brush, or I have some blonde hairs all up in there. That might explain some things.
4. I'm rummaging through the pantry, looking for something to eat when I find a giant bag of sugar cookie mix and two liter jars of pepperoncinis. One, I am bored and broke and I love to bake. Two, I absolutely love pepperoncinis and have had this intense craving for spicy things lately. So, I eat a fourth of a jar of pepperoncinis while I bake all of the cookies in the world. Where did I come from? Well, pretty sure God was like, "You are going to be weird and crazy and awesome." And I was like, "Fuck yeah." And God was like, "Fuck yeah." And then we high-fived and I was born.
5. I sing "schmee, schmah, schmeh, schmoooo" for every song ever.
6. I get a dollar raise after working at my current job for only five months. I've never gotten a raise in my life. I feel like I should get a metal for this.
7. I moved to get away from my small town for a bit, be somewhere else for awhile...and I miss home like crazy. The change of pace was a good plan, and I really am going somewhere now, but I just get so homesick. Funny how that works.
8. Farts that make noises are more satisfying.
9. I make songs about meth lab mooses.
10. I have seen four large, bright meteorites, all while I was facing west, at the same time of night, in the same spot, in the past month and a half. I'm starting to think it means something. Life is fuckin' weird.
11. I forget that I only have one earring in because it was bothering me while I slept, and I drive home at 3 in the morning, and stop at gas stations to get noms and every single person looks at me like I'm doing the walk of shame. I'm kind of proud of myself, lol.
12. I feel like people think I'm more wild and crazy than I am--all gettin' rowdy, getting intoxicated, causing scene, waking up in some random place....which, okay, is sometimes true, but these occasions are much less frequent than people think. Honestly, I'm actually a good girl most of the time, usually spending my days off buying dishes for my apartment, baking cookies and being excited about a new griddle I just bought.

Shit gets crazy. And then you smoke yourself sober. Being an artist....yeah. That stuff happens.

Shit To Bring Travelling

I do lots of travelling. I mean, a lot. I was born a traveller. Or made one by my crazy-ass family. I dunno. But my first trip anywhere was a road trip to Alaska in my grandparents' motor home when I was five. It was super bomb, and all downhill from there. As a traveller, I have learned that there are very essential things you should bring with you, especially if you are a broke-bitch like me that drives home to the coastal region every weekend because Spokane is stupid and hot.

1. Your change jar. This has saved my life more than once. You never know when you're going to forget a pin number, your gift card actually has five dollars instead of twenty-five, or you leave your mulah on the seat next to you and it flies out the window as you're singing Fleetwood Mac at the top of your lungs. Great example of the importance of this little guy: this past weekend, I was driving back to Lameville and I was getting close to Empty. No big deal, I have some money on a plasma debit card because I'm cool and donate plasma to people that need to live. So I get to Moses Lake, and I need to stop to get gas. Bop on in to the station like the bad ass I always am, whip out my card and it doesn't work. I try four different pin numbers and nothing. The guy runs it as credit. DENIED. Motherfuckingbitch hobags. If I don't fill up, I will never make it back and be stuck in the middle for the rest of my life and I'll have to find a job at a sketchy gyro restaurant where they yell at me in Greek and I cry next to the back door that's stained black from dirty hoes. Luckily, I have a backup plan, like I always do, because I am quick on my feet. Change. I have change in my purse, my dad throws change in the cigarette tray, and there's random change stuck in the cup holders. Fuck yeah, and I have two dollars in my wallet. Twelve bucks worth of quarters and dimes later, I am on the road with three gallons of gas. Let this be a lesson to you: don't be an idiot and forget your pin numbers. And bring a change jar.
2. A towel. Listen to Towelie. Don't forget to bring a towel.
3. A pillow and a blanket. Because you might get stuck in the middle of a blizzard and you run out of gas and no one knows where you are because the radio towers were destroyed so you're forced to live out the week huddled around a crappy fire that you made out of the can of oil you found in the trunk and a can of green beans. Okay, probably not. But if you're going a long way and you're staying with people, they appreciate not having to provide everything for you. Or maybe you're a night driver and you need to take a break, take a nap before you get to your destination. Nothing makes for a good car nap like your own pillow. And seriously, that crazy blizzard shit happens. Be prepared.
4. Road snacks. Travelling causes hunger. This is a proven fact, brought to you by the Institute of Jessica Who Is Obsessed With Travel. Bring things that are good for you, that help with circulation. Sitting and getting slammed with all those g-forces is hard on you. Veggie tray, some spicy snacks, trail mix, protein bars, Rockstars, green tea. Those last three things are mostly for crazy people like me, who like to drive, again, at night and run 12 miles every day. I need my caffeine to keep me awake, and my protein to keep me alive, lol. Anyway, food. Again, you never know what you're going to get stuck in a deadly blizzard. Or just get really bored.
5. Sunscreen, sunglasses, sandals, an extra change of clothes and a map (in case you are too broke to have a gps). Just in case you want to stop at random beaches and sit in the sun for a bit.
6. Liquid bodywash, toothpaste and a toothbrush. Seriously, I have some of this just hangin' out in my car, just in case. Maybe you forget your shampoo. Maybe you forget your entire toiletry bag. Maybe you hang out and get drunk at your friend's house so much that you practically live on his couch....no one likes a dirty mouth, and no one likes a dirty girl. Voila, backup.
7. A travel mug. I have one and use it every friggin' day, and I use it for everything....it's so helpful. Iced tea? No problem. Hot coffee? No problem. Cereal? Done. Protein shake? Perfect. Need somewhere to hide your weed or cigarettes from your mom? This is your answer.
8. A Leatherman or Gerber or multi-tool of some kind. It will get you out of things in a pinch, and get you to the proper tool before your shit falls apart. I just carry mine around in my purse. I was driving home from Baker City, Oregon once, and my fuel filter was cloggin' my shit, causing my engine to die on the side of the road. I didn't have proper tools, but I had a new filter and a Leatherman. Whipped out the knife, chopped that bitch out, slapped the new one in and voila, got home to mechanic Dad. Fuck yeah. Success.
9. A bike rack, complete with amazeballs bicycle and bike pump and bike lock. Okay, so this isn't really necessary, but if you have an obsession with being active and finding all sorts of places to hike and bike while you drive through places, you need this. I just drive around with my bike on the back of my car, and my bike locked to the rack. Who knows when I'm going to need my bike? What if I run out of gas and I have to get somewhere quick-snap like a gas station to get gas to bring back to my car? Hell yeah, I have a bike. And what if you meet some random bicycling dude at 3 in the morning at the beach, become friends and he needs a ride home? You have a bike rack, bitch. Give that guy a ride home.
10. A five-gallon gas tank and jumper cables and a flash light. At one point in your life, you will need all of these things. And at one point in your life, you will need all of these at once.....I used to drive a 1971 Bug, okay? Don't judge me.

Experience, bro. Don't knock it. I know things. Be prepared. And travel your little heart out, get lost, meet random people at 3 am, and eat waffles and mimosas for breakfast on Saturdays when you get to your destination. You deserve it, you just went on an adventure to get to the people you love. =)

Ways To Avoid Random Things

I'm a fan of avoiding unnecessary hardships. I huge fan. Drama drives me crazy, which is partially why most of my friends are men and mostly why I just hang out by myself.

That and I can wear grungy sweatpants and no one cares.

Anyway, random things seem to happen to me a lot anyway, and I've found ways to keep them under control.

1. How To Keep Your Sunburn From Ruining Your Life For The Next Week: body butter and ridiculous amounts of water. Seriously. Go buy some body butter, take a cool shower and slather yourself in that shit. I mean slather, like you're Paula Deen's turkey on Thanksgiving. Yeah, aloe is good and all for the first hour, but it gets all weird and sticky and (for me at least) stops working after a certain point. Body butter? None of those things. It cools down your skin, hydrates it, makes it all soft and supple and the next day, you're closer to a nice tan instead of a grody burn. Trust me. You'll notice. And the water? Just drink a lot of it. Have a nice big glass, and right after that one, have another. Keep this up. You'll have to pee like a racehorse. But your skin will thank you.
2. How To Avoid Your Roommate's Parents/Landlords For The Entire Week That They Decide To Visit And Take Over Your Place Of Living: Sleep. Just keep your door closed and pretend you're sleeping hardcore. Then when you get up, pack some shit for an all-day adventure (a towel, computer, wallet water, iPod, sunglasses, exercise clothes, etc.) and tell them when they ask that you have so much to do today, starting with the gym. Spend the day driving around and doing all the random things you think about doing, but never do. Visit family. Visit friends. Go to a movie alone. Shop for shoes you can't afford. Smoke in the park. Then go to work. Then go for a run. Then don't come home until 11:30pm, when they've gone to sleep. Repeat for the next week until your days off, and decide to visit the coastal region for some beach time. By the time you return home, they will have gone. Never fails.
3. How To Convince Your Dad To Help Finance Your Bimmer: You don't. He has the money. You just have to make sure the damn thing works and is in amazing condition as well as being cheap. All you can do is give him the specs and your cute daughter dimples and lots of "Pppppllleeeaaaassssseeeeeee?!"
4. How To Avoid Needing A New Car Within Four Years And Having To Drive Your Dad's Car: Don't buy a 1971 Bug with the intention of driving it all over god's creation until you know everything works. Actually, just don't buy one with that intention. Air-cooled engines need lots of upkeep, no matter how cute and simple they are. Buy a water-cooled engine at least, okay? Don't be like me. Okay? Okay.
5. How To Avoid Getting A 0.30 GPA: Do your finals, at the very least. And some homework. Those will carry you. Again, seriously, don't be like me. I didn't even know this was possible for me. I kind of find this failure a success in some ways. It's very complicated to explain. My brain might melt. Onward.
6. How To Avoid A Nicotine Addiction While Still Smoking: Plenty of cardiovascular exercise and about four puffs on a cigarello. You will cough, and be high. And have no jones for nicotine. Great success!
7. How To Hate Everything: Scowling. Cynicism. Witty remarks. And a tall posture that says, "I'm a fuckin' badass. Take that."
8. How To Avoid Burning Your Face Off With Hotsauce: I just discovered this one today. Take your hot sauce and leave it in a very, very warm place for a few hours. Like the front seat of your car, in the sunshine, on a hot day. When you want to use it, go ahead and get some red kool-aid, lemonade or lime juice in water ready, with a cup of ice. Sit outside, where it is nice and warm and sunny. Remove lid from hot sauce, slather onto your food goodness, nom, and realize that the warmth from everything else kinda killed the spice factor a little. Drink your drank just in case. If it starts to burn uncontrollably, suck on the ice cubes. For reals.

Mkay, so I'm pretty sure that none of these are very helpful to the general public at all. But...they're kinda funny.

Don't avoid life. Just avoid the lame parts.

Things That I Love

It's time to focus in some love and tenderness....so, things that I love to love. Aww yeah.

1. Male athletes. I work on a college campus. Colleges have athletic teams. These teams train on campus....and I get to reap the glorious benefits. I was at work today and some lovely athletic college boys ran by without shirts. Who needs shirts when you have abs??
2. Tacos and sandwiches. Quite possibly two of the most amazing, versatile dishes in the entire world. You can do whatever the hell you want with them, put whatever you want in them, and they will still be incredible. May favorite? Turkey, tomato, sprout, spinach, paprika and mayo sandwiches on wheat, and super spicy Tilapia tacos with yellow peppers, garlic and onions on corn tortillas. Oh man. I want spicy things now.
3. BMW E30 M3s. Do I need to say more? Jizz.
4. My iPod. I am in absolute love with my iPod. One million songs. Video and camera functions. Did I mention one million songs, all songs that I like? Intertubes. Random apps that I don't even need. Reminds me of things. Keeps time for my workouts. Keeps my life notes. My iPod and I are going to get married and skip off into the sunset together.
5. Music. I cannot get enough music.
6. My family and friends. They are amazing, make me think and love me for who I am, no matter how stupid I get. Honestly, this should be number one. But this list is in no particular order.
7. Exercising. It's an addiction. Obsession. I will kill someone who tells me I can't exercise!
8. Getting to the point of tiredness or caffeine consumption where I begin to laugh hysterically at just about everything. This morning I had consumed so much caffeine that I began to laugh at a listing on craigslist for a BMW E30 project car. I have no idea. But it was funny. Don't ask. I don't pretend to know.
9. Cheese. I love cheese.
10. Booze. I have a few fifths sitting next to my mattress. That doesn't look suspicious or anything.
11. My dad's Audi. A4, six-speed 1.8 liter turbo, red, leather interior, heated seats, bangin' stereo system, all-wheel drive. So, sex on wheels pretty much. It makes me happy to drive. I find excuses to drive on the highway just so I can use sixth gear.
12. Searching for cars on craigslist, drooling at the ones I love and yelling (seriously, out loud) at the ones that are really, really retarded. I really do need a new one, but until then, my dad's all cool with me driving his for forever and a day, so in reality, I spend my time looking at amazeballs cars that cost a million dollars that I could never afford. But it's like eating ice cream for some people. It makes me all happy on the inside.

I love things. And I love to love things. And I get mad when things get in the way of me loving things. So, don't do this. I will break you.

Things That Seriously Freak Me Out

1. The six degrees of separation. I was just pwned by the six degrees on, of course, Facebook. Some guy that I met at a party 3 years ago and had a short thing with alllll the way on the coast is friends with a chick that I became friends with through my friend, both of whom live here. What the crap? And then he randomly added me. My mind is blown. There is more to this story. Much more. I think I'm scared to know.
2. Love. Love scares the ever living shit out of me. It can crush you, stab you, smack you in the face, stomp on your toes, cum in your eye and shoot you in the head. And I am still willing to just give it all away, but at the same time, so up-tight with letting people completely in....maybe that's why it scares me. Maybe it scares me to know that I am willing to give my love, but what if no one's willing to take it? What if no one's willing to give me any? What if they're willing to give and accept, but then all of a sudden they just withdraw everything? Just thinking about it makes me want to shit my pants. Moving on.
3. Cleaning my room. Maybe this is just a lazy thing. But I don't really know. It just....freaks me out. Probably because I just don't want to deal with the huge mess I have made of my personal space.
4. Running out of weed. Seriously. I have held on to the weed I bought a month ago, and smoked it sparingly, and running out of the amazing green makes my purse feel empty. And that...is a scary thing.
5. Not making decisions. Like, really? Being stuck in limbo sucks. I don't like it. Keep the ball rolling, people.
6. My eyebrows. They are a hot mess. All the time. Even when groomed. I can't continue talking about this.
7. I lost my grape Swishers. I'm really, really sad. And freaked out that I can't find them. I haven't been able to smoke in a week because I'm too much of a cheap-ass to buy more right now. And it's making me irritated....
8. Nausea. It gives me some freaky anxiety.
9. How bloated smoking cigarettes actually makes me. It's freakin weird. Does anyone else have this problem? Maybe it's just that I ate really late last night and THEN I smoked, which my body absolutely hates and makes me nauseous (see above).
10. My ridiculous addiction to caffeine. I think we've talked about this before. But it's actually kind of scary. One nice big mug full of freshly brewed espresso roast, then an hour later a tall soy matcha green tea latte with extra ice and 12 scoops of matcha, then two hours later a sugar and carb free berry Rockstar, then about three hours later another green tea latte. I get the shakes in the morning if I don't have it. I'm not kidding. But I guess it would be worse.
11. I have a very serious phobia of riding down hills on my bicycle. Have we talked about this before too? Maybe. I don't really know. I do know that I have it. It's real. It's the reason I need new brakes at more frequent intervals than the rest of society. But I do it anyway.

I am proud to say that I am a woman who, when she knows what she wants, she goes for it, no matter how scary the journey is, because the end result is usually incredible.

So go. Find those things that freak you out so bad, you almost cry. And then stomp on your fear, smoosh its guts out, pick it up with a paper towel, throw it in the trash, and go. Do. Be. Live. Experience. Love.

Shit That Makes Me Go, "Dafuq?"

It's summer time, and honestly, I have nothing better to do than work, drink, make an ass of myself, and repeat. I'm pretty okay with this. It's generally how I live my life the rest of the year too, only there's some schooling thrown in there somewhere. I do a lot of stupid shit. My life very rarely has rhyme or reason to it. I just kind of do things at will, and things just kind of happen to me. At will.

My point is, things don't really phase me that much.

Sometimes, however, there's shit that goes down that blows my mind.

Let me begin:

1. Matcha powder. I don't even know how to explain this. Just....caffeine and antioxidants and green tastiness in a super green latte. Just....matcha. The first time I had it, I seriously almost orgasmed. My toes curled, my eyes rolled, I melted into my shoes. And I wanted more. It's one of my favorite things in the world. Rawr!
2. Subletting. Whoever came up with this idea was a genius. Want to get out of a shit housing situation and give yourself time to find a new place? Sublet. As someone who gets herself into random housing situations all the goddamn time and travels way too damn much, subletting is a godsend.
3. My anger management. I have anger issues. Seriously, it's fuckin' crazy all up in my brain when I get mad. I want to throw things and strangle people and hit walls and break chairs over people's heads. I've seriously considered becoming an MMA fighter because of this. No, I'm not kidding. It's actually probably one of the main reasons that I have very active jobs--custodian, laborer, busser--I can take it out on the inanimate objects. But, I'm really, really good at keeping it in. Instead, I just imagine the terrible things I'd do to people instead of doing them. Like last night? I was pissed the fuck off. At work, no less. But what did I do? I used it instead to get all my work done like a boss and all the while imagined throwing shit at the person I was mad at, or just throwing shit all over in general. I really don't think my manager would have appreciated broken glass everywhere. And I kind of need to keep my job. So, go me. I blew my own mind.
4. Boys. Do I even need to say more? Just....boys.....see above.
5. Caffeine. This also goes back to number one. Shit blows my mind, every time. I mean, I've done drugs. Come ups and trippin' balls is crazy, but caffeine....it always sneaks up on me. I'm all cool, and then BAM! It takes me out on a date, we go to the club, we get drunk and high, jump some fences, steal some art, and I wake up in some dude's room without my pants and my car is still up in Olympia. I am a serious caffeine addict. I'm pretty sure I need a twelve-step program for this.
6. People who honestly have no respect for anyone else. Who the fuck do you think you are? I respect your privacy, your space, your thoughts and opinions, now get on it and respect everyone else's!
7. Turkey sandwiches. Dafuq in a good way.
8. My grandmother. Seriously, she's as crazy as I am. I never knew this. She drinks brass monkeys with me. Wants to get a tattoo with my cousin and I. Who are you, Grandma? And what has taken so long for us to realize this potential???
9. Sleep. What is this, and why do I have to have it? I want to stay up, and do things, and be crazy, and eat all of the Sour Patch Pids and then crash in the middle of the kitchen floor at 4 in the morning. Ooohhhh wait....that's why adults have alcohol and caffeine and do really dumb things like put the two together. Duh.
10. Tampons. I dunno. They just....freak me out.
11. Being an adult. It's bullshit. It's not even true. There is no such thing, because no adult actually knows what they're doing or even how to be an "adult". We're all just milling around in a constant state of confusion. We might have a pretty good idea of where we're going and what we should do, but there are so many fucking variables that we can't even keep up. So we fake it. Tell me I'm wrong. There is maturity. I believe in maturity. But adulthood...that's an invention.
12. The meaning of life. I've found one person in my entire life who thinks he's got that shit all figured out. He claims it's building meaningful relationships. And perhaps he's on the right track.  It's definitely a good thought for life in general. I also think this guy is full of complete shit all the time....mostly because he makes so much fun of me, I'm not sure which way is up. So I punch him in the chest for being an asshat, drink his beers and refuse to give him my tobacco.
13. Annnnddd the gay-ass music that my roommates listen to. I don't use "gay" often as a derogatory term. I try to be respectful. I have friends who are gay. But sometimes, something is just gay. The music my roommates listen to is definitely gay. It's like new-age wanna be hard-core rock and screamo and pop and it confuses me and it's not even musically interesting. It's boring.

There's so much more. But it's too much for my brain to handle. I need a break from dafuq-ing.

Shit That Has Nothing To Do With Anything

This is about absolutely nothing.

Although I suppose it could be more aptly titled:

 "Shit To Do Because You've Been Up Since 5 AM With A Stomach Ache And You're Waiting For Your Roommate To Get Home So You Can Go Look At Apartments And All You Want Is a Bagel And Cream Cheese And Abs And A Turkey Sandwich On Wheat And Lots. Of. Hot Sauce."

But the original title seems pretty apt.

So.

1. Read Post Secret for the fourth time. And every time, thoroughly enjoy this postcard:  

1. Enough said. Moving on.
2. Watch YouTube videos on how to be assertive in the romantic sense without being a crazy, clingy bitch. Which, for the record, you never have been or ever will be because clingyness drives you absolutely insane...and...well....you're way too independent and spontaneous and weird to even have time to be clingy. In all honesty, you just wanted to understand men, whom you thought you understood, but apparently, you don't.
3. Watch Hannah Hart YouTube videos, because they make you feel better about yourself and your life. For some reason, this one especially: 

1.  <---This is supposed to be a 4. Wonder why you can't figure out how to put things in between the numbers when you're making a list on Blogger. Realize once again that you are still technicologically retarded. Acceptance is the first step towards healing. Wait, are we in the right scenario here? Moving on...
2. Text your bestest friend in the entire, ENTIRE world very important things. Start your day off right, with Important Texts! They'rrreee GREAT! But seriously. Great things. Important things. Talk about them. Sober. As well as drunk. All of the above!
3. Miss the west coast. Maybe contemplate looking for jobs back home. Then contemplate not doing it because you are gonna finish this out!
4. Laugh at Jenna Marbles videos about dudes. Have the urge to punch all dudes in the face. But realize you are just as bad. Don't be an ass. House the sass.
5. Freak out about changing your major back to a Fine Arts degree. Then realize this frees you to go...wherever the fuck you want. Life is awesome.

Now that it's almost ten in the morning....I feel the urge to drink. But all of my beers are old. So, maybe I'll just go exercise or something instead. Being a productive member of society is stupid. Liking people is stupid. Facebook is stupid.

But sandwiches....now that's something that's pretty smart.

Build a sandwich, people.

Love who you are. Love your sandwich.

All Of The Things That You Shouldn't Do When Drunk

.....by yourself

1. Bake cookies.

Okay, let me back up. I....am drunkified. I went to work on a day that I usually have off, my car crapped out on me just as I pulled into the dealer yesterday to get it fixed because the night before it would not turn over and I had to call my roommates at 2 in the morning to come and get me, and I don't get it back until Tuesday, so I am stuck at my house until then, unless I decide to be athletic again and ride my bike around town. Then, yesterday, I called my cousin to come help me with it, and we spent an hour trying to make it work and finally push-started it to get it down to the dealer in Spokane Valley. Also, the car isn't even mine. It's my dad's. He's being super cool and letting me drive his super awesome amazingsauce red, six-speed Audi A4 Quattro 1.8 liter Turbo that makes me jizzz in my pants just a little bit because my car, a 1971 Turquoise Volkswagen Bug, has shit out on me. It died. It is no more. It decided to break up with me on my 23rd birthday as I was driving home. It needs an entirely new engine, that costs more than I paid for the entire car itself, and I can't afford to get a new engine, as a consistently drunk, broke community college student, plus restore all of the crazy shit that's wrong with it. So, I am forced to sell it. I love this car. I am in complete, utter, unrequited love with this car. If it were a human and I were a complete lesbian, I would marry it. But I am forced to let it go so I can give my dad back his car and get a more reliable one. Also, I am homesick. Very, very homesick. I am from the coast of Washington. I visit, and I cry when I have to leave. I miss home. And having a car. And all of my family is in town, but up at a lake cabin, and I am stuck in town. Because I have no car to get to them, and I had to work today because my manager is kind of super weird. So, I am drinking all by myself. Which you should never do. Promise me that you will never, ever do this.

Pinky? Promise?

Okay, good. Do as I say, not as I do.

So, because of all of these things, I am drinking some gin and Perrier and lemon juice and maybe maybe some mojitos on the rocks and I was making cookies and cleaning things and looking for a new car on the intertubess.

Anyway, what were we talking about?

Oh yeah. Things you shouldn't do while drunk.

1. Make cookies.
2. Decide that Sriracha hot sauce will be good on your salted caramel cookies because you saw somewhere that dark chocolate cayenne brownies are really amazing (and they are. Please try them).
3. Make fun of your roommate for eating ramen noodles for dinner, then declare you should eat real food, and find mint in your drawer in the fridge and make Mojitos for yourself for dinner instead. You're cool. Not. You are a sad, short, doe-eyed brunette who drinks too much and exercises too little. You should really find an apartment by yourself. Or roommates who will get smashed with you.
4. Consider going to the local bar, by yourself, to get drunk by yourself, then walk to the park at 2 am when it closes and fall asleep in the cold, cold grass and then maybe get taking to jail by some cops for being drunk in pub-lick. Interesting times.
5. Drunk text all of your favorite people. Actually, in all honesty, you should totally do this. Do this right now. They will love you even more. Being drunk brings out all of those things you didn't see in yourself. Honestly. Seriously. Go drink some gin and text someone you love. You'll learn something about yourself. I guarantee it.
6. Ignore the fact that you have to pee. Go pee. You are not any more of a badass because you can hold it longer. That's very, very bad for you anyway. Trust me. You don't want a leg urine bag when you are 80. Just...no.
7. Not drink with someone you have a crush on. What's wrong with you? Go drink with them. Fun things will happen. Crazy things will happen. You will learn more about them than you ever needed to know. And then you'll actually know if you legitimately like them or not.
8. Let your lame roommate in on the secret that you have been drinking since five this afternoon. You don't really know him. He thinks you're weird. He doesn't really know you, you think he's weird. So....just don't tell him. Please. He's skinny and weird anyway.
9. Consider walking to the store that's five miles away from your house because you live all the way on the north side of fucking town on a giant hill and the only way to get there is a two-lane highway with no sidewalk. You're drunk. Find something in your fridge, okay? Thanks. I love you.

Honestly, I'm getting more sober now, and I'm not okay with this. I might try the Grappa Challenge, which is a shot of grappa with sriracha hot sauce, and then washing it down with two to three shots of beer. Except, I have no grappa. So I might do it with my Patron. Then, I might do all of the things I said you shouldn't do. And then....I might even text this guy I like something random that will weird him out because that kind of thing makes me laugh. And then, I might go for a walk and smoke some grape Swishers. So, peace out, people who are way cooler than me. Peace out.

And for the record, just because you are cooler than me, does not mean that I don't love myself. Because, I may recognize that I'm not that cool, at all, even remotely...I still love myself and think I am super amazeballs.

Lots of love and drunk, spicy kisses. =)

Shit To Do While Not Doing Your Homework

1. Listen to music. Always a priority.
2.  Stress about your split-second decision to move again within three days. Drink lots of tea while procrastinating on Facebook.
3. Smoke half a pack of Prime Times. Drink more tea. Contemplate pulling out a Swisher.
4. Tell yourself cigars are expensive and you have no money to buy more until next week. Still contemplate pulling out that cigar. Wonder if you still have a full pack of five or if your jackass friend ganked one before he skipped town just for shits and giggles, because he would, that jerk.
5. Battle with a strange, fleeting moment of emptiness, uncertainty, excitement and fatigue. Remind yourself that this week was, indeed, a good bad turn of events for all parties involved. Everything will iron itself out in time, and understand that you know who you aren't, and who you are is still peeling back the layers to get back out from the weird alien cocoon that she got shoved in. She'll be here, patience.
6. Wish that it was Wednesday already so you could be on the coast with your friends, celebrating your dad's birthday with him.
7. Want another baby cigar and a long walk.
8. Realize that you probably wreak of smoke. Don't care.
9. Feel hopelessly restless. Check your phone for the millionth time. Finish your tea. Wonder what to do with your night since you worked earlier today. Realize having the night off is a really weird concept for you.
10. Hope with all hope that your two biggest wishes will come true soon. So soon.

Shit To Do While Waiting For Images In Photoshop to Resize

1. Get pissed. This shit should take five seconds. What the crap, bro.
2. Turn off Pandora, in hopes that the power the computer was using for online radio it will now use for resizing images.
3. Compulsively drink your tea.
4. Imagine you are punching a baby. And then eating a glorious taco.
5. Realize you are all of a sudden tired. Come to the conclusion that it's because you drank coffee at work last night.
6. Contemplate getting coffee. Takes too much time. Nevermind. You are a lazy bastard.
7. Wonder what you could be eating while you're waiting for this shit to load.
8. Load a recipe site. Drool over the recipe for Cake Batter Popcorn. Instantly want a Cake Pop.
9. Think about flipping the table. Realize said table is bolted to the wall. You are in a booth that was once a darkroom, dork.
10. Longingly think of the old days, when image resizing meant cutting a piece of paper to size and shining a high-power light it to excite the silver halogens. Instant gratification. Then realize you are technologically retarded.
11. But at least you have the patience to digitally resize images....
12. ....realize your image is now resized....want a Birthday Cake Pop instead.

The Definition of Irony...

Sitting on your bed in pajamas, eating the bottom of the bag of tortilla chips and hummus, thinking you should probably stop because you really do need to lose those ten pounds and watching The Biggest Loser weigh in and lose 199 pounds.

Yeah.

What?

Things to do in the wee hours between school and your night job:

1. Fret about your life. Become a depressed lump of organic matter.
2. Fret so much that you forget to do homework.
3. Daydream about donuts you can't afford.
4. Daydream about sleeping....
5. ....then don't get any because you know that if you do, you won't wake up in time to get to work.
6. Get texted by your boss telling you how awesome you and your coworker are. Then get texted again about something you forgot to do. Then get texted by your boyfriend also telling you that you forgot to do something.
7. Fret about yourself. Become a depressed lump of organic matter. Avoid everything by reading your email and yahoo news for the fifth time, and starting a blog.