Weird Shit I Do In The Car

I'm really weird. Like, really, really weird.

If you couldn't already tell by this blog.

Anyway, I do weird things in the car. I get a lot of my pent up crazy energy out when I'm driving. It's just fact of life.

1. Sometimes....I have conversations with myself. Usually this happens about 3:30am, when I'm hitting Seattle and I've had the last of my coffee around Ellensburg. I mostly start talking so that I can keep myself awake, but I'm not gonna lie, my self-conversations can get super philosophical, and they tend to help me figure things out that are going on in my own life.
2. Sometimes I just feel like screaming and being really loud. I'm pretty sure that I scare everyone else that's driving around me, because not only am I screaming and growling, I'm usually shaking the steering wheel or banging my hands on it...so it maybe looks like there should be someone else in the car that I'm fighting with....but there's not.....
3. I have road rage, so I call everyone a bitch. People who are tailing me? "Yeah? What the fuck do you think YOU'RE doing, bitch? Where are you gonna go? There is nowhere else to go, assface! You are in a residential zone! I'M going ten over and that's STILL not fast enough for you? Eat my turbo-powered shit!" And then I zoom up the street really fast and really do leave them in the dust, and then they all slow down, drivin' all granny status with their tail between their legs. Either that or I go the exact speed limit, no more and no less. That makes them even more pissed off than if I decided to go slower. "TAKE THAT, BITCH!"
4. Car dancing. I do it. It's very animated. There are some butt jiggles, some finger pointing, some jumping up and down, maybe some Jack Black-esque finger wiggles when there's a guitar solo. Yeah. That happens.
5. I make up songs about going up and down hills. I did this today, actually. I was driving down this long, winding, hilly road behind this guy who had been doing five under when I got behind him. And I really tried to not tail him because that shit's irritating. But seriously? So I'm driving, driving, driving, and I start singing about this guy in front of me. "Ohhh whyyy are you so sloooowwwballlssss? Sloowwww, slowww, sooo slooowww oldballssss! I doonn'tt want to goooo into second geaaarrrr just to get up this hilllll!" And it went on like that for the next ten minutes. I never said all my songs were good. I just said I made them up while I was in the car.
6. I dunno how much this one counts as a weird thing to do in the car, but for some reason, I see at least two gingerkids per day while I am driving. And I usually announce it with, "Fuckin gingerkids!"
7. When I drive by hot guys working outside, I tell them they're hot and that I would do them.
8. The car is the only place where I cry, and cry in peace.
9. I talk to the car. "Yeah, yeaaahhhh woo, get around that corner! Vroom!" "C'mon, let's get up this hill, bitch! Kazam, use that turbo! RAAAWWWRRRR!" "Fuck you guys, we're goin' fuckin' 80 on this stretch of highway! Fuck the POLICE!" "You so perrrtttyyyy. I ruv roo, car." ...I don't think I need to say anything else.
10. I smile like a kid in a candy store when I hear the turbo spool up and kick in. Ear to ear. Oh yeah. Orgasm for my brainsticles.

I do weird things everyday. This is hardly the extent of how weird I actually am.

Be weird. Be happy.

More Random Shit That Happens To Me

1. Buys a blueberry protein smoothie of deliciousness, drinks half, leaves other half in the car for a half hour, comes back and has magically created yogurt. Great success?
2. While walking across the parking lot from staples to my car, some random old dude yells from his car, "It's about time for some shorts, huh?" Well, yes, old man, it is hot and I only own pants, but that was the most random thing ever. Trying to strike up a conversation from your car with some girl who's walking across the parking lot? I know men are completely awkward, but even the old ones never grow out of it.
3. I go to clean out my hair brush and I find blonde hairs in the bristles. Either someone's using my brush, or I have some blonde hairs all up in there. That might explain some things.
4. I'm rummaging through the pantry, looking for something to eat when I find a giant bag of sugar cookie mix and two liter jars of pepperoncinis. One, I am bored and broke and I love to bake. Two, I absolutely love pepperoncinis and have had this intense craving for spicy things lately. So, I eat a fourth of a jar of pepperoncinis while I bake all of the cookies in the world. Where did I come from? Well, pretty sure God was like, "You are going to be weird and crazy and awesome." And I was like, "Fuck yeah." And God was like, "Fuck yeah." And then we high-fived and I was born.
5. I sing "schmee, schmah, schmeh, schmoooo" for every song ever.
6. I get a dollar raise after working at my current job for only five months. I've never gotten a raise in my life. I feel like I should get a metal for this.
7. I moved to get away from my small town for a bit, be somewhere else for awhile...and I miss home like crazy. The change of pace was a good plan, and I really am going somewhere now, but I just get so homesick. Funny how that works.
8. Farts that make noises are more satisfying.
9. I make songs about meth lab mooses.
10. I have seen four large, bright meteorites, all while I was facing west, at the same time of night, in the same spot, in the past month and a half. I'm starting to think it means something. Life is fuckin' weird.
11. I forget that I only have one earring in because it was bothering me while I slept, and I drive home at 3 in the morning, and stop at gas stations to get noms and every single person looks at me like I'm doing the walk of shame. I'm kind of proud of myself, lol.
12. I feel like people think I'm more wild and crazy than I am--all gettin' rowdy, getting intoxicated, causing scene, waking up in some random place....which, okay, is sometimes true, but these occasions are much less frequent than people think. Honestly, I'm actually a good girl most of the time, usually spending my days off buying dishes for my apartment, baking cookies and being excited about a new griddle I just bought.

Shit gets crazy. And then you smoke yourself sober. Being an artist....yeah. That stuff happens.