Shit That Makes Me Go, "Dafuq?"

It's summer time, and honestly, I have nothing better to do than work, drink, make an ass of myself, and repeat. I'm pretty okay with this. It's generally how I live my life the rest of the year too, only there's some schooling thrown in there somewhere. I do a lot of stupid shit. My life very rarely has rhyme or reason to it. I just kind of do things at will, and things just kind of happen to me. At will.

My point is, things don't really phase me that much.

Sometimes, however, there's shit that goes down that blows my mind.

Let me begin:

1. Matcha powder. I don't even know how to explain this. Just....caffeine and antioxidants and green tastiness in a super green latte. Just....matcha. The first time I had it, I seriously almost orgasmed. My toes curled, my eyes rolled, I melted into my shoes. And I wanted more. It's one of my favorite things in the world. Rawr!
2. Subletting. Whoever came up with this idea was a genius. Want to get out of a shit housing situation and give yourself time to find a new place? Sublet. As someone who gets herself into random housing situations all the goddamn time and travels way too damn much, subletting is a godsend.
3. My anger management. I have anger issues. Seriously, it's fuckin' crazy all up in my brain when I get mad. I want to throw things and strangle people and hit walls and break chairs over people's heads. I've seriously considered becoming an MMA fighter because of this. No, I'm not kidding. It's actually probably one of the main reasons that I have very active jobs--custodian, laborer, busser--I can take it out on the inanimate objects. But, I'm really, really good at keeping it in. Instead, I just imagine the terrible things I'd do to people instead of doing them. Like last night? I was pissed the fuck off. At work, no less. But what did I do? I used it instead to get all my work done like a boss and all the while imagined throwing shit at the person I was mad at, or just throwing shit all over in general. I really don't think my manager would have appreciated broken glass everywhere. And I kind of need to keep my job. So, go me. I blew my own mind.
4. Boys. Do I even need to say more? Just....boys.....see above.
5. Caffeine. This also goes back to number one. Shit blows my mind, every time. I mean, I've done drugs. Come ups and trippin' balls is crazy, but caffeine....it always sneaks up on me. I'm all cool, and then BAM! It takes me out on a date, we go to the club, we get drunk and high, jump some fences, steal some art, and I wake up in some dude's room without my pants and my car is still up in Olympia. I am a serious caffeine addict. I'm pretty sure I need a twelve-step program for this.
6. People who honestly have no respect for anyone else. Who the fuck do you think you are? I respect your privacy, your space, your thoughts and opinions, now get on it and respect everyone else's!
7. Turkey sandwiches. Dafuq in a good way.
8. My grandmother. Seriously, she's as crazy as I am. I never knew this. She drinks brass monkeys with me. Wants to get a tattoo with my cousin and I. Who are you, Grandma? And what has taken so long for us to realize this potential???
9. Sleep. What is this, and why do I have to have it? I want to stay up, and do things, and be crazy, and eat all of the Sour Patch Pids and then crash in the middle of the kitchen floor at 4 in the morning. Ooohhhh wait....that's why adults have alcohol and caffeine and do really dumb things like put the two together. Duh.
10. Tampons. I dunno. They just....freak me out.
11. Being an adult. It's bullshit. It's not even true. There is no such thing, because no adult actually knows what they're doing or even how to be an "adult". We're all just milling around in a constant state of confusion. We might have a pretty good idea of where we're going and what we should do, but there are so many fucking variables that we can't even keep up. So we fake it. Tell me I'm wrong. There is maturity. I believe in maturity. But adulthood...that's an invention.
12. The meaning of life. I've found one person in my entire life who thinks he's got that shit all figured out. He claims it's building meaningful relationships. And perhaps he's on the right track.  It's definitely a good thought for life in general. I also think this guy is full of complete shit all the time....mostly because he makes so much fun of me, I'm not sure which way is up. So I punch him in the chest for being an asshat, drink his beers and refuse to give him my tobacco.
13. Annnnddd the gay-ass music that my roommates listen to. I don't use "gay" often as a derogatory term. I try to be respectful. I have friends who are gay. But sometimes, something is just gay. The music my roommates listen to is definitely gay. It's like new-age wanna be hard-core rock and screamo and pop and it confuses me and it's not even musically interesting. It's boring.

There's so much more. But it's too much for my brain to handle. I need a break from dafuq-ing.

Shit That Has Nothing To Do With Anything

This is about absolutely nothing.

Although I suppose it could be more aptly titled:

 "Shit To Do Because You've Been Up Since 5 AM With A Stomach Ache And You're Waiting For Your Roommate To Get Home So You Can Go Look At Apartments And All You Want Is a Bagel And Cream Cheese And Abs And A Turkey Sandwich On Wheat And Lots. Of. Hot Sauce."

But the original title seems pretty apt.

So.

1. Read Post Secret for the fourth time. And every time, thoroughly enjoy this postcard:  

1. Enough said. Moving on.
2. Watch YouTube videos on how to be assertive in the romantic sense without being a crazy, clingy bitch. Which, for the record, you never have been or ever will be because clingyness drives you absolutely insane...and...well....you're way too independent and spontaneous and weird to even have time to be clingy. In all honesty, you just wanted to understand men, whom you thought you understood, but apparently, you don't.
3. Watch Hannah Hart YouTube videos, because they make you feel better about yourself and your life. For some reason, this one especially: 

1.  <---This is supposed to be a 4. Wonder why you can't figure out how to put things in between the numbers when you're making a list on Blogger. Realize once again that you are still technicologically retarded. Acceptance is the first step towards healing. Wait, are we in the right scenario here? Moving on...
2. Text your bestest friend in the entire, ENTIRE world very important things. Start your day off right, with Important Texts! They'rrreee GREAT! But seriously. Great things. Important things. Talk about them. Sober. As well as drunk. All of the above!
3. Miss the west coast. Maybe contemplate looking for jobs back home. Then contemplate not doing it because you are gonna finish this out!
4. Laugh at Jenna Marbles videos about dudes. Have the urge to punch all dudes in the face. But realize you are just as bad. Don't be an ass. House the sass.
5. Freak out about changing your major back to a Fine Arts degree. Then realize this frees you to go...wherever the fuck you want. Life is awesome.

Now that it's almost ten in the morning....I feel the urge to drink. But all of my beers are old. So, maybe I'll just go exercise or something instead. Being a productive member of society is stupid. Liking people is stupid. Facebook is stupid.

But sandwiches....now that's something that's pretty smart.

Build a sandwich, people.

Love who you are. Love your sandwich.

All Of The Things That You Shouldn't Do When Drunk

.....by yourself

1. Bake cookies.

Okay, let me back up. I....am drunkified. I went to work on a day that I usually have off, my car crapped out on me just as I pulled into the dealer yesterday to get it fixed because the night before it would not turn over and I had to call my roommates at 2 in the morning to come and get me, and I don't get it back until Tuesday, so I am stuck at my house until then, unless I decide to be athletic again and ride my bike around town. Then, yesterday, I called my cousin to come help me with it, and we spent an hour trying to make it work and finally push-started it to get it down to the dealer in Spokane Valley. Also, the car isn't even mine. It's my dad's. He's being super cool and letting me drive his super awesome amazingsauce red, six-speed Audi A4 Quattro 1.8 liter Turbo that makes me jizzz in my pants just a little bit because my car, a 1971 Turquoise Volkswagen Bug, has shit out on me. It died. It is no more. It decided to break up with me on my 23rd birthday as I was driving home. It needs an entirely new engine, that costs more than I paid for the entire car itself, and I can't afford to get a new engine, as a consistently drunk, broke community college student, plus restore all of the crazy shit that's wrong with it. So, I am forced to sell it. I love this car. I am in complete, utter, unrequited love with this car. If it were a human and I were a complete lesbian, I would marry it. But I am forced to let it go so I can give my dad back his car and get a more reliable one. Also, I am homesick. Very, very homesick. I am from the coast of Washington. I visit, and I cry when I have to leave. I miss home. And having a car. And all of my family is in town, but up at a lake cabin, and I am stuck in town. Because I have no car to get to them, and I had to work today because my manager is kind of super weird. So, I am drinking all by myself. Which you should never do. Promise me that you will never, ever do this.

Pinky? Promise?

Okay, good. Do as I say, not as I do.

So, because of all of these things, I am drinking some gin and Perrier and lemon juice and maybe maybe some mojitos on the rocks and I was making cookies and cleaning things and looking for a new car on the intertubess.

Anyway, what were we talking about?

Oh yeah. Things you shouldn't do while drunk.

1. Make cookies.
2. Decide that Sriracha hot sauce will be good on your salted caramel cookies because you saw somewhere that dark chocolate cayenne brownies are really amazing (and they are. Please try them).
3. Make fun of your roommate for eating ramen noodles for dinner, then declare you should eat real food, and find mint in your drawer in the fridge and make Mojitos for yourself for dinner instead. You're cool. Not. You are a sad, short, doe-eyed brunette who drinks too much and exercises too little. You should really find an apartment by yourself. Or roommates who will get smashed with you.
4. Consider going to the local bar, by yourself, to get drunk by yourself, then walk to the park at 2 am when it closes and fall asleep in the cold, cold grass and then maybe get taking to jail by some cops for being drunk in pub-lick. Interesting times.
5. Drunk text all of your favorite people. Actually, in all honesty, you should totally do this. Do this right now. They will love you even more. Being drunk brings out all of those things you didn't see in yourself. Honestly. Seriously. Go drink some gin and text someone you love. You'll learn something about yourself. I guarantee it.
6. Ignore the fact that you have to pee. Go pee. You are not any more of a badass because you can hold it longer. That's very, very bad for you anyway. Trust me. You don't want a leg urine bag when you are 80. Just...no.
7. Not drink with someone you have a crush on. What's wrong with you? Go drink with them. Fun things will happen. Crazy things will happen. You will learn more about them than you ever needed to know. And then you'll actually know if you legitimately like them or not.
8. Let your lame roommate in on the secret that you have been drinking since five this afternoon. You don't really know him. He thinks you're weird. He doesn't really know you, you think he's weird. So....just don't tell him. Please. He's skinny and weird anyway.
9. Consider walking to the store that's five miles away from your house because you live all the way on the north side of fucking town on a giant hill and the only way to get there is a two-lane highway with no sidewalk. You're drunk. Find something in your fridge, okay? Thanks. I love you.

Honestly, I'm getting more sober now, and I'm not okay with this. I might try the Grappa Challenge, which is a shot of grappa with sriracha hot sauce, and then washing it down with two to three shots of beer. Except, I have no grappa. So I might do it with my Patron. Then, I might do all of the things I said you shouldn't do. And then....I might even text this guy I like something random that will weird him out because that kind of thing makes me laugh. And then, I might go for a walk and smoke some grape Swishers. So, peace out, people who are way cooler than me. Peace out.

And for the record, just because you are cooler than me, does not mean that I don't love myself. Because, I may recognize that I'm not that cool, at all, even remotely...I still love myself and think I am super amazeballs.

Lots of love and drunk, spicy kisses. =)

Shit To Do While Not Doing Your Homework

1. Listen to music. Always a priority.
2.  Stress about your split-second decision to move again within three days. Drink lots of tea while procrastinating on Facebook.
3. Smoke half a pack of Prime Times. Drink more tea. Contemplate pulling out a Swisher.
4. Tell yourself cigars are expensive and you have no money to buy more until next week. Still contemplate pulling out that cigar. Wonder if you still have a full pack of five or if your jackass friend ganked one before he skipped town just for shits and giggles, because he would, that jerk.
5. Battle with a strange, fleeting moment of emptiness, uncertainty, excitement and fatigue. Remind yourself that this week was, indeed, a good bad turn of events for all parties involved. Everything will iron itself out in time, and understand that you know who you aren't, and who you are is still peeling back the layers to get back out from the weird alien cocoon that she got shoved in. She'll be here, patience.
6. Wish that it was Wednesday already so you could be on the coast with your friends, celebrating your dad's birthday with him.
7. Want another baby cigar and a long walk.
8. Realize that you probably wreak of smoke. Don't care.
9. Feel hopelessly restless. Check your phone for the millionth time. Finish your tea. Wonder what to do with your night since you worked earlier today. Realize having the night off is a really weird concept for you.
10. Hope with all hope that your two biggest wishes will come true soon. So soon.