All Of The Things That You Shouldn't Do When Drunk

.....by yourself

1. Bake cookies.

Okay, let me back up. I....am drunkified. I went to work on a day that I usually have off, my car crapped out on me just as I pulled into the dealer yesterday to get it fixed because the night before it would not turn over and I had to call my roommates at 2 in the morning to come and get me, and I don't get it back until Tuesday, so I am stuck at my house until then, unless I decide to be athletic again and ride my bike around town. Then, yesterday, I called my cousin to come help me with it, and we spent an hour trying to make it work and finally push-started it to get it down to the dealer in Spokane Valley. Also, the car isn't even mine. It's my dad's. He's being super cool and letting me drive his super awesome amazingsauce red, six-speed Audi A4 Quattro 1.8 liter Turbo that makes me jizzz in my pants just a little bit because my car, a 1971 Turquoise Volkswagen Bug, has shit out on me. It died. It is no more. It decided to break up with me on my 23rd birthday as I was driving home. It needs an entirely new engine, that costs more than I paid for the entire car itself, and I can't afford to get a new engine, as a consistently drunk, broke community college student, plus restore all of the crazy shit that's wrong with it. So, I am forced to sell it. I love this car. I am in complete, utter, unrequited love with this car. If it were a human and I were a complete lesbian, I would marry it. But I am forced to let it go so I can give my dad back his car and get a more reliable one. Also, I am homesick. Very, very homesick. I am from the coast of Washington. I visit, and I cry when I have to leave. I miss home. And having a car. And all of my family is in town, but up at a lake cabin, and I am stuck in town. Because I have no car to get to them, and I had to work today because my manager is kind of super weird. So, I am drinking all by myself. Which you should never do. Promise me that you will never, ever do this.

Pinky? Promise?

Okay, good. Do as I say, not as I do.

So, because of all of these things, I am drinking some gin and Perrier and lemon juice and maybe maybe some mojitos on the rocks and I was making cookies and cleaning things and looking for a new car on the intertubess.

Anyway, what were we talking about?

Oh yeah. Things you shouldn't do while drunk.

1. Make cookies.
2. Decide that Sriracha hot sauce will be good on your salted caramel cookies because you saw somewhere that dark chocolate cayenne brownies are really amazing (and they are. Please try them).
3. Make fun of your roommate for eating ramen noodles for dinner, then declare you should eat real food, and find mint in your drawer in the fridge and make Mojitos for yourself for dinner instead. You're cool. Not. You are a sad, short, doe-eyed brunette who drinks too much and exercises too little. You should really find an apartment by yourself. Or roommates who will get smashed with you.
4. Consider going to the local bar, by yourself, to get drunk by yourself, then walk to the park at 2 am when it closes and fall asleep in the cold, cold grass and then maybe get taking to jail by some cops for being drunk in pub-lick. Interesting times.
5. Drunk text all of your favorite people. Actually, in all honesty, you should totally do this. Do this right now. They will love you even more. Being drunk brings out all of those things you didn't see in yourself. Honestly. Seriously. Go drink some gin and text someone you love. You'll learn something about yourself. I guarantee it.
6. Ignore the fact that you have to pee. Go pee. You are not any more of a badass because you can hold it longer. That's very, very bad for you anyway. Trust me. You don't want a leg urine bag when you are 80. Just...no.
7. Not drink with someone you have a crush on. What's wrong with you? Go drink with them. Fun things will happen. Crazy things will happen. You will learn more about them than you ever needed to know. And then you'll actually know if you legitimately like them or not.
8. Let your lame roommate in on the secret that you have been drinking since five this afternoon. You don't really know him. He thinks you're weird. He doesn't really know you, you think he's weird. So....just don't tell him. Please. He's skinny and weird anyway.
9. Consider walking to the store that's five miles away from your house because you live all the way on the north side of fucking town on a giant hill and the only way to get there is a two-lane highway with no sidewalk. You're drunk. Find something in your fridge, okay? Thanks. I love you.

Honestly, I'm getting more sober now, and I'm not okay with this. I might try the Grappa Challenge, which is a shot of grappa with sriracha hot sauce, and then washing it down with two to three shots of beer. Except, I have no grappa. So I might do it with my Patron. Then, I might do all of the things I said you shouldn't do. And then....I might even text this guy I like something random that will weird him out because that kind of thing makes me laugh. And then, I might go for a walk and smoke some grape Swishers. So, peace out, people who are way cooler than me. Peace out.

And for the record, just because you are cooler than me, does not mean that I don't love myself. Because, I may recognize that I'm not that cool, at all, even remotely...I still love myself and think I am super amazeballs.

Lots of love and drunk, spicy kisses. =)