What? Why? Where did that come from?
I just wanted to drink my gin and be a stupid drunk fuck, posting random things on Facebook, do some ridiculous karaoke and end up with a hangover the next morning having awkward moments with myself as I remember the really dumb things I said...
- So I'm down at the local bar, right? Hangin' out with some friends, sipping my gin from a tiny pink straw. We're not talking, but it's just a lull in conversation. All of a sudden, some skinny dude that was standing at the bar comes over and says, "Can I sit here?" He points to the empty chairs on my right. Ugh, okay, so he'll talk to me for about five to ten minutes, then move on, like they usually do. Oh no. Not this guy.
Me: Uhhhh, yeah, sure, it's a free country.
Him: Hi, I'm (blah blah blah, some random dude. Insert typical drunk guy name here).
Me: *fuck* Nice to meet you, I'm Jessica. *he shakes my hand for just a little too long*
Him: So this is my first time here.
Me: Haha, wow, I'm sorry. *despite my sick and twisted love for my dinky, lame town,
I do understand that it's kind of lame and dinky, so most people don't appreciate it as much as I
do* *I sip my gin*
Him: Haha, oh, it's okay. I'm here with my friend who lives in town. I'm from up north.
Me: Oh, that's cool. Welcome!
Him: Oh, haha, no I'm from here....I used to live just outside of town. So, are you from around
here?
Me: (this is where things start to get funky...I think, 'then why did you say it's you're first time
here?') Oh, okay, yeah, I know where you're talking about. And yeah, I'm just visiting though.
(What??)
Him: So, what do you do?
Me: *holds up glass* I drink. A lot.
Him: Haha, yeah? That's all you do?
Me: Yup. Straight up drinking. Every day. (Okay, not true, but he doesn't need to know that.)
Him: You know what the remedy is for that, right? *pauses with awkward smile for effect*
(What? Who said I needed a fucking remedy? Where did you come from? Who asked you?)
Me: *eyebrow raise* Oh yeah? Drink more?
Him: Hahaha, no, usually the remedy is to cut back a little bit...
Me: Nope. Pretty sure it's to continue drinking more. I do this professionally. *starts to feel like a
jerk* But seriously, I'm an art student.
Him: Oh, really? That's cool! Me too...except I'm the computy (yes, he actually used that word)
kind of artist. *types on table for effect. Seems very pleased with himself.* What medium do you
use?
Me: Hahahaha! I have no fuckin' idea. All of them. I figured I'd get some general fine arts in and
then decide where to go from there.
Him: *silence* *smiles awkwardly*
Me: *shifts in chair* So, what do you do? *drinks more. Brain knows it's going to be a long
ride*
Him: Well, let me show you my card! *pulls out wallet, from which he pulls a business card for
holistic healing*
Me: *DRINKS MORE*
At this point, he begins to talk about how he's a graphic artist for this raw, vegan holistic healing company that he launched a month ago, and he starts explaining that it all started when he met his GIRLFRIEND (WHAT?! STOP AWKWARDLY FLIRTING WITH ME!), and she was dying of a nasty bowel disease (at this point, I figure she's dead), but they started eating raw food and she healed within three weeks (so she's not dead? Did she break up with you when she realized she was going to live and could find someone less awkward?), and so he dropped out of college and launched this business. There were more words in there and lots of arm and hand motions and he pulled out his phone to show me pictures of raw food and gave explanations on whole food diets and Crohn's disease...none of which I needed explained to me, but I just kept on sippin' my drank, hoping he might quiet down and get bored and leave. Granted, I respect the guy for starting his own business and I actually do think holistic healing is pretty cool, but geeze. This is a bar, I am drinking with my friends, and you're killin' my buzz, kid. Then, his weird-smelling friend comes over....
Friend: Hi, I'm (Er, forgot guy's name. Who cares? Not me.)
Me: Hi.
Friend: So what do you do?
Me: (This? Again? Fuck.) I'm an art student.
Friend: Oh cool! What kind of medium?
Me: No idea. *decides to make some shit up* Photography, watercolor and ceramics.
Friend: Oh man, ceramics is sooo coool. It's all earthy and you can create and form and
manipulate! It's like, humanity!
Me: *you smell sooooo fuckin' weird, dude* Hahahahahaha, yeah....it's like humanity! Ceramics
and beer. Just like humanity!
Friend: Uhhhh, yeah....I guess I can see where you're going with that.
This is quickly becoming the most awkward, weird conversation I've ever been in, and my drink is almost gone and I'm still not drunk enough to deal with this. I text my friend who's sitting on the other side of the table with her boyfriend to save me, and I contemplate texting a guy friend, any guy friend, to come in and pretend to be my boyfriend for twenty minutes to get this kid to leave....then he gets up to go pee. His friend leaves for somewhere else.
My friend: Crap, I'm sorry, I didn't know what to say!
Her BF: How's your new boyfriend? Are you in love? This guy is freakin' me out. He shook
my hand and held it for just a little too long.
Me: What the fuck is with this guy?
When he comes back, my friend convinces him that he can't sit at our table unless he has a drink. He begins to protest, and she stands her ground. He leaves for the bar.
Her: Yes, I'm a genius! I got him to leave! But if he comes back with a drink....he's just sad.
Me: Fuck. I really hope that doesn't happen.
Her BF: You wanna switch seats? You'll be between me and her and he can't get to you.
Genius. We switch. She asks about how weird he is....then he comes back, drink in hand, finds a way around her BF, and sits next to me again.
Him: I'm sorry, I was being flirted with by a gay guy! Happens to me all the time!
The fact that this kid looks like a toothpick with a cheezeball stuck on top and long, delicate arms and hands doesn't have anything to do with that....
Me: *do not make snide remark, do not make snide remark, do not make snide remark*
Hahahahahahaha!
My friend: Hey, Jess, I thought you said your boyfriend was coming. Where is he at? He must be
working late.
Me: *genius! pure genius!* Psshh, yeah, probably. I dunno, he hasn't texted me yet. He must be
busy.
Him: Well, I have to go. It's been nice talking to you!
He gets up to find his friend. As they leave, he sets his cup on the bar in our line of sight.
My friend: What the fff--he was drinking water! He went and got a cup of water and said it was a
drink so that he could sit here!! Geeze! That guy was weird. I'm a genius, though! I never thought
he'd leave!
Most. Awkward. Conversation. Ever.
And thus continues another round of random shit that happens to me. Especially random creepers. ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I don't know how to explain it. I do my best to combat it. I never go to the bar or parties without friends. I stick by them constantly.
But they still find me.
What the fuck?
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