Things...

Things That Seriously Bother Me:

   1. Jewelry commercials. You are gross and sappy and superficial and gaudy and ultimately disappointing because most of the jewelry you peddle isn't that pretty. Even your rhymes are lame. Every kiss begins with Kay? No, every kiss begins with some dude doing something so stupid that the lady can't help but laugh her ass off. And half of the time there's maybe booze involved....but that's not my point! Are you trying to tell me that a guy has to buy me some ridiculous diamond ring (which I don't even like) to show me that he loves me? You do nothing but perpetuate the idea that you have to buy women things. And you perpetuate the idea that men should buy expensive things for women, like they should expect that. I hate you. You are full of lies and subliminal messages, ruining all the of the good guys that could be out there, who are happy with hanging out and drinking beer. Then you go and put some big idea in their head that they have to go out and buy expensive things for the woman in their life that will make them happy for a day, when he could be finding out something meaningful about that woman, that will make her happy for a lifetime. AND you shoot the idea in the woman's head that she needs these things, needs her man to buy her these things, to make her happy. Well, screw you. I want a guy that will accept that sometimes I drink beer for dinner and listen to Zeppelin playlists on autoplay and wear sweatpants all day. Not buy me an ugly ring. Why? Why would you ruin this for me, and even other men in the world who want to have man friends and man caves? Not men-who-turned-into-women friends and caves with feelings. And no, this is not some rant because I somewhere, deep down inside, want some expensive jewelry. No, I legitimately don't like these commercials and this is legitimately why. And probably why I have an aversion to jewelry stores themselves.

    2. Weddings. Fuck you, I'm eloping.

Things That I Like To Do:

    1. Drink on a Monday. OKAY?! I LIKE TO DRINK ON WEEKDAYS!! Sometimes I can't wait until the weekend. Because sometimes, there are still two beers left in the fridge or the last fourth of a bottle of champagne and I mean, come on...you can't let the last fourth of a bottle hang around until the weekend.

    2. Um....take a shot for every homework assignment I've finished. Anyone want to be my study buddy? Let's just move on, shall we?

    3. Meerkat onesie. Paint my toenails. Drink coffee. Dinosaur onesie. I might be finishing a bottle of booze right now...what? No. What? Next number!

Things That Should Go On Pizza:

     1. Oregano. Yes. In marinara sauce.

     2. Mozarella and Monterey Jack cheeses. Maybe Parmesan. But yes, mozo and monterey. Please.

     3. Olives. Green peppers. Peperoncinis. Red onions. Bacon. Tomatoes.

Um, yeah. Things.

I'd like some more pizza, please.