That and I can wear grungy sweatpants and no one cares.
Anyway, random things seem to happen to me a lot anyway, and I've found ways to keep them under control.
- How To Keep Your Sunburn From Ruining Your Life For The Next Week: body butter and ridiculous amounts of water. Seriously. Go buy some body butter, take a cool shower and slather yourself in that shit. I mean slather, like you're Paula Deen's turkey on Thanksgiving. Yeah, aloe is good and all for the first hour, but it gets all weird and sticky and (for me at least) stops working after a certain point. Body butter? None of those things. It cools down your skin, hydrates it, makes it all soft and supple and the next day, you're closer to a nice tan instead of a grody burn. Trust me. You'll notice. And the water? Just drink a lot of it. Have a nice big glass, and right after that one, have another. Keep this up. You'll have to pee like a racehorse. But your skin will thank you.
- How To Avoid Your Roommate's Parents/Landlords For The Entire Week That They Decide To Visit And Take Over Your Place Of Living: Sleep. Just keep your door closed and pretend you're sleeping hardcore. Then when you get up, pack some shit for an all-day adventure (a towel, computer, wallet water, iPod, sunglasses, exercise clothes, etc.) and tell them when they ask that you have so much to do today, starting with the gym. Spend the day driving around and doing all the random things you think about doing, but never do. Visit family. Visit friends. Go to a movie alone. Shop for shoes you can't afford. Smoke in the park. Then go to work. Then go for a run. Then don't come home until 11:30pm, when they've gone to sleep. Repeat for the next week until your days off, and decide to visit the coastal region for some beach time. By the time you return home, they will have gone. Never fails.
- How To Convince Your Dad To Help Finance Your Bimmer: You don't. He has the money. You just have to make sure the damn thing works and is in amazing condition as well as being cheap. All you can do is give him the specs and your cute daughter dimples and lots of "Pppppllleeeaaaassssseeeeeee?!"
- How To Avoid Needing A New Car Within Four Years And Having To Drive Your Dad's Car: Don't buy a 1971 Bug with the intention of driving it all over god's creation until you know everything works. Actually, just don't buy one with that intention. Air-cooled engines need lots of upkeep, no matter how cute and simple they are. Buy a water-cooled engine at least, okay? Don't be like me. Okay? Okay.
- How To Avoid Getting A 0.30 GPA: Do your finals, at the very least. And some homework. Those will carry you. Again, seriously, don't be like me. I didn't even know this was possible for me. I kind of find this failure a success in some ways. It's very complicated to explain. My brain might melt. Onward.
- How To Avoid A Nicotine Addiction While Still Smoking: Plenty of cardiovascular exercise and about four puffs on a cigarello. You will cough, and be high. And have no jones for nicotine. Great success!
- How To Hate Everything: Scowling. Cynicism. Witty remarks. And a tall posture that says, "I'm a fuckin' badass. Take that."
- How To Avoid Burning Your Face Off With Hotsauce: I just discovered this one today. Take your hot sauce and leave it in a very, very warm place for a few hours. Like the front seat of your car, in the sunshine, on a hot day. When you want to use it, go ahead and get some red kool-aid, lemonade or lime juice in water ready, with a cup of ice. Sit outside, where it is nice and warm and sunny. Remove lid from hot sauce, slather onto your food goodness, nom, and realize that the warmth from everything else kinda killed the spice factor a little. Drink your drank just in case. If it starts to burn uncontrollably, suck on the ice cubes. For reals.
Don't avoid life. Just avoid the lame parts.
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